The Pass is one of the world’s loveliest surfing spots. Lovely for lots of reasons. It’s aesthetically beautiful. There are fewer places prettier. Golden sands. Sweeping views of the bay. The mountains in the distance. The wildlife. The rock wall that makes up The Point. The waves are often beautiful. It’s a long, often glassy, right-breaking point wave that is challenging in spots and easy in other spots so, it can be good for everyone from beginners to experts (so long as you pick the right part of the wave). It also has lovely people. Well, lovely in the physical sense. Wonder why celebrities live in Byron Bay? Easy. The people who surf at places like The Pass, young and old, are so damned good-looking that drop-dead gorgeous celebrities don’t stand out in the crowd. It’s the perfect place for the rich and famous to hang out and disappear.
If it’s so great, then how come plenty of Byron Bay residents refuse to surf there. The fact that it gets crowded… even on bigger days… discourages some. Even when there are plenty of waves on offer, it’s a challenge to get a share at this famous surfing spot. There are plenty of other good quality surfing spots nearby (like Broken Head, the Wreck, Tallows, etc) that also get crowded when the waves are good, but the crowds there are nowhere near as scary as the Pass. I have sat on the beach and watched a lovely three-foot set wave pass me by, with no less than seven surfers all scrapping and snarling at each other on the wave’s green face. Nothing fun about that.
Annoying enough to rile a saint!
But there is another reason, other than the crowds, that causes dedicated local surfers to steer clear of the Pass. While many of the pack (who are out there in the line-up) are thoroughly decent folk, there are also a significant number who are annoying enough to rile a saint.
I surfed at the Pass for the first time in months today and the experience reminded me of why I, generally, go out of my way to find somewhere else to have some fun. As I sat in my car after a frustrating and disappointing session (disappointing despite the fact that there were beautiful small waves on offer) I exchanged texts with a friend who informed me that she had just enjoyed a session at nearby Belongil, all by herself! Nice waves. Lots of fun. Nice waves all to herself. I was envious. I should have known better. I should have gone somewhere else. I should have gone to Belongil. As we swapped thoughts on our varying surfing experiences of the morning, I made the comment that it wasn’t just the numbers that had made my surf so challenging. It was the very nature of many of the people in the lineup that had stimulated my curmudgeonly mood.
My friend responded with multiple examples of the categories of people who surf at the Pass who raise her blood pressure.
I then responded with a list of the types of individuals that made my morning frustrating.
She fired back, again, with a few more types that keep her away from the place.
Within a few minutes we had amassed an entire collection of categories of annoying people that frequent the Pass. My friend suggested that the list could be shared. So, here it is.
Point’s Elderly Dwellers (PEDs) – This was my mate’s suggestion. Given that I am just as old as the bastards she is pointing the finger at (possibly even older), I’m not sure that I am in any position to complain about the old buggers, but Kim was sure about it, so who am I to argue. According to Kimmy there is a collection of wrinkled Point dwellers (the Point being the first and choicest section of the long Pass wave) who, given their thirty or forty years of experience at this very spot, grab all the best waves and grumble if anyone less senior (or skilful) even thinks about paddling up to the Point let alone paddles for one of the set waves. Sharing the waves is not an element of surf culture or etiquette that PEDs adhere to.
Sassy Uncultured Swine (SUS) – The Pass is a cultural melting pot. That’s good. Germans, Italians, Swedes, Brits, Israelis, French, Spanish, Argentinians, Japanese, Pacific Islanders, Chileans, New Zealanders, and many more nationalities make up what might be one of the most culturally diverse surfing locations in the world. It’s a joy to hear the plethora of languages and observe the differing styles at this special place.
One particular sub-group (nationality withheld to protect the innocent), however, have won a reputation in the Pass lineup for not only thinking that it is their right to drop-in, snake and shake their fists at anyone in the water but also insist on their right to do it loudly and rudely. No looking left, looking right, then left again with some of this crew before they paddle and commit to taking the wave (accompanied with a snarl). The poor surfing etiquette and aggression can be forgiven. After all, plenty of Australian surfers behave in much the same way. But the sassy way that they demand to be respected as unquestionably superior to all the other cultural groups in the ocean endears them to no one. Of course, not every surfer from this particular part of the world is SUS but some are… and this spoils things for the rest of their clan. And for us!
Dads Instructing Kids (DIKs) – DIKs are among the most annoying group in any surfing location, and they inhabit the Pass in large numbers. Most people over the age of forty started surfing despite the discouragement of their parents who wanted their kids to be doctors, lawyers, engineers (rather than surfers). If it had to be sport, their thinking was at least let it be something civilized and lucrative like tennis or golf. So that means previous generations of beginner surfers had to goof around between the flags on a foamy or smash the shore break at a “kiddies corner” with their mates to make their start. Either way, neither was likely to cause grief to more established surfers in the lineup who were just trying to grab a wave or two. Not so anymore. At the Pass, when you catch a wave from just after Speccies (the next section after the Point), or further down the line, one of the hazards you are bound to have to negotiate is a Dad standing on the sand bank with his hand carefully positioned on the tail of his kiddy-wink’s tiny custom-shaped surfboard, ready to push that future champion onto that wave that you are already riding.
Apparently, it hasn’t occurred to the Dad (who is sure that his child is heading for an illustrious career in the pros) that the kid also needs to learn how to paddle. Nup. It’s all about learning how to do all the amazing stuff after you have been guided into the ideal pocket location by your surf coach (father). It’s bad enough that the DIK and child will be standing precisely where you don’t want them to be as you are trying to carve your way around a section, but, even worse, if you are lucky enough to make the section, you will be confronted by the sudden appearance of a pint-sized John Florence directly in your trim path. Don’t blame the kids. It’s the DIK’s that are dangerous.
Blow In Newbies (BINs) – Everyone has to start somewhere. We all started out as kooks. Some of us even stay kooks all of their lives. Me, for one. But some beginner surfers from out-of-town think that it is their right to seek out the most challenging places at the Pass and do whatever they want, to whoever they want to do it.
Thankfully, such ratbags are in the minority. But there are BINs at the Pass… and they are scary. BINs have two favourite tricks. Trick number one is to locate yourself just to the right of a surfer paddling really hard at a critical spot on a wave that has a challenging look about it. Just as the more experienced surfer takes the drop and corrects their line in the hope of making the bottom turn to get around that difficult section the BIN will launch themselves over the lip and crash down onto the unprepared surfer trying to make the wave. The end result is the surfer, and the BIN, collide and are trounced by the angry wave which then drags them both along the bottom for what feels like minutes.
If the pair are lucky, no long-term damage is done. If they are unlucky, someone could die. In between the two extremes are a range of bad consequences for surfers and their boards.
Trick number two is for the BIN to locate themselves at, again, a challenging place in the line-up, but not (this time) next to the experienced surfer but right in front of him and her. So… when the experienced surfer is paddling their heart out for that bigger, sucky, set wave, suddenly they are confronted with a beginner surfer who is directly in their path. The experienced surfer, who is totally committed to the wave and is unable to cancel their drop, finds themselves on a direct collision course with someone who quite simply should not be there. Bang. The result is similar to the result from trick one.
The consequence can be anything from okay, we dodged a bullet, to sudden death. BINs are dangerous people. Because the Pass is a world-famous surfing spot it attracts lots of BINs. Fortunately, most beginner surfers from out-of-town are respectful and go out of their way to take advantage of the gentler, beginner-friendly, parts of the Pass’s full range of surfing spots. But some don’t.
Still Noah’s (wave) Even After Kooking (SNEAKs) – Early Gen Z and late Millenial surfers who ride traditional logs are common at the Pass. Many are quite good surfers. Many are decent people. Some are arseholes. Beware of surfers in the lineup with names like Noah, Ethan, Kane, Liam, Luna, Nova, or Kai. Be especially aware if they are a Noah. They may be lovely people. Or they may be SNEAKs.
What are SNEAKs? They are not dangerous, like BINs and DIKs. But they are very annoying. Selfish and annoying. A SNEAK is a guy or girl (more often a guy – a guy with a bad haircut and a bum fluff moustache) who takes off on a lovely wave, does one or two competent turns, then does an attempted drop-knee cut-back but finds that the section has shut down on them, meaning they cannot get back to the pocket. They have ruined a great wave. Tried for too much and ruined a good wave.
Well, actually, they can get back to the pocket if they are SNEAKs. Most unselfish surfers think, my bad. I fucked up. Leave the wave to some other lucky punter. Not SNEAKs. SNEAKs flop down onto their belly and paddle like hell through the broken-down section of white water so that they can force their way back to the unbroken green face thus depriving other surfers, further down the line (who are paddling hard for the wave), their chance of enjoying the wasted wave. SNEAKs not only have goofy “chill” names and listen to goofy “chill” music (from people like Jack Johnson and Donovan Frankenreiter), but they think that their skills at recovering from a kooky mistake by belly flopping is super “chill”. It’s not. It’s selfish. Good waves are hard to come by at the Pass. If you bugger one up… let it go. Chill means letting someone else have it and paddling back to your spot in the line-up.
People On Surfboards Expecting Respect…but not deserving it (POSERs) – Go to the Pass, any day, and you will see an assortment of attractive, sun-bleached, suntanned young women who, instead of surfing in the functional stance of legs apart, one foot in front of the other (in preparation for using the back foot to execute turns to guide the surfboard into the desired location on the wave), surf with their legs, knees and feet firmly together all pointing straight forward on the surfboard. With their knees elegantly slightly bent and their arms elegantly slightly angled at the elbow and the wrist these millennial and Gen Z POSERs are the female equivalent of the SNEAKs discussed above in that they are generally good surfers who pose little risk to their fellow surfers but are insufferably snotty.
There is no good functional purpose for displaying this graceful stance. The telos is purely aesthetic. POSERs see themselves as the modern equivalent of their exotic feminine forbears but given that they are riding boards designed and manufactured with modern ideas and materials that are capable of extraordinary feats of oceanic athleticism (rather than surfing on the extremely difficult to manoeuvre wooden planks of yesteryear) their activities of going just straight down the line seem wasteful, unnecessarily showy and borderline examples of cultural appropriation.
Please note that the majority of feminine surfers at the Pass are definitely not POSERs and spend their time in the water working hard at their functional surfing skills. In the world of surfing, surely this is more worthy of respect than the practicing of the showy arts.
Dangerous Obstructions Positioned Extremely Stupidly (DOPES) – DOPES may well be the most annoying and dangerous of all of the annoying types that make their home at the Pass. Given that they seem to be more interested in social interaction than in actually surfing, one wonders why they are there at all. Dopes are groups of unenthusiastic surfers who cluster close together with their friends on their nine foot and ten foot surfboards chatting happily about their love lives, work, who is shagging who etc and choosing to do so in a place most likely to cause distress to any surfer who is paddling hard to catch a wave just a little further out from where they have chosen to settle in the line-up.
If you take off on one of those gorgeous, glassy three foot set waves (that has picked you out as its chosen rider) and, post take off, you have competed a bottom turn and are about to accelerate down the line to enjoy your best wave of the day, then suddenly your passage is obstructed by four or five friends happily chatting together, inches apart, on their massive logs, leaving you no option other than to turn hard left to avoid a collision and are thus deprived of the wave you have waited all morning for, you are the victim of a group of DOPES. The surfing world can do with less DOPES. The Pass can do with less DOPES.
There are a hard-core bunch of dedicated The Pass surfers who are not only great surfers, but they are also thoroughly decent folk. I could name dozens. Most of these people don’t have a problem with the characters mentioned above. The reason? Because these surfers have the skill, talent and years of experience to avoid the pitfalls created by the less than desirable surfers at The Pass. This crew get waves no matter what. Unfortunately, I am not one of these gifted folk. So… after my experience today I will go back to my normal habit of looking elsewhere for my surf fix.
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