Fifty years ago, the average Australian male would lounge around at the beach wearing little more than a brief pair of speedos. Women, on the other hand, were just breaking through the prudery barrier and beginning to wear bikinis that were slightly more revealing than their traditional one pieces. In the 21st century the roles have reversed. Red-blooded he-men of today wouldn’t be seen dead in a pair of traditional swimmers (they choose to wear waist-to-knee covering boardshorts) while the female of the species wears almost nothing! It’s very strange. Only this morning I saw a group of young people at the beach emerging from the water after a swim. There were three young women in bikinis looking relaxed, comfortable and natural in their minimalist swimsuit choices. The three men, wearing dripping-wet, knee-length board shorts, seemed uncomfortable, awkward and overdressed in their sticky, clingy leg-covering garments.
One-hundred year battle
Prior to the 1960s the Australian surfing community had spent 100 years fighting the restrictions imposed by local council Beach Inspector’s. The job of the local Council Beach Inspectors had been to ensure high moral standards on the beach by enforcing strict regulations that prevented the revealing of too much flesh. By the 1970’s the surfing community had won the battle against prudery, however, enabling people to wear anything they wanted to. By the year 2000, however, the morals meter had swung back the other way as men imposed regulations on themselves as to what was okay to wear and what wasn’t. The traditional Australian swimming brief became so reviled that, in recent years, even staid and conservative television broadcasters felt no need to hold back from calling them such clichéd names as “dick-stickers” or “budgie-smugglers.”
Are traditional swimmers really so bad? Do they really look ridiculous? I recently heard a woman state that there is “nothing so disgusting as a fat old bloke with a beer-gut wearing budgie-smugglers”. Leaving aside the fact that she was being shamelessly ageist and body-shaming, is it true that the poor old bugger would have looked better in a pair of boardshorts? Do the fat, old and ugly of us suddenly become socially acceptable and “nice-looking” when we choose to wear boardies? I doubt it.
“Test” of the Century
I reckon its time to take a close look at the issue. Do men look better in “cover-up” mode? Is the boardshort such an attractive, cool and practical part of the average bloke’s wardrobe that he shouldn’t even think about alternative beachwear and swimwear options? Will he truly pull more sheilas if he keeps his dicky-bird completely under wraps? Does the board short conjure some kind of magical aura that make its wearer a better surfer and a cooler person… even if they don’t surf? Does the boardshort really provide comfort advantages that prevent wax rashes, groin injuries and the prevention of all kinds of unwanted medical conditions (including but not restricted to syphilis, halitosis and migraine)?
To find out, we have recruited the talents of professional all-round waterman and sponsored SUP surfer, Andy Davies, as the “Handsome young dude” and Socrates (Sportsocratic.com editorial clutz) as “the crusty old bugger” to put boardshorts and cossies through their paces in a variety of scenarios. Andy and Socs will give their impressions at the conclusion of each test and will give each garment a score in hearts in relations to the three criteria of performance, comfort and style. After tallying the scores we will have some idea as to whether boardies are really as great as some people say they are… or whether cossies actually do have a place in our modern, anti-budgie world.
Prizes for opinions! Vote now!
But that’s not the end of it! Even better, you get to have a say! Send us your impressions of the images provided… tell us which garment you would prefer on yourself or on your man… and send them along to us (either write us a comment… or send us an email). In the next issue we will not only provide a summary of your impressions and results of your voting but we will provide prizes for the best and most interesting answers. Keep one thing in mind. Socrates is very sensitive… and is very old. Deeply offensive comments about formerly rock hard but sadly drooping pecs and saggy arse will not be tolerated. Sportsocratic.com is not immune from flattery. Saying nice things about old Socs might be to the correspondent’s advantage when it comes to prize giving.
Tell your friends. The final results of the great Aussie cossie-off will come down to your views. We will publish exactly what you think in the next issue and hand over some seriously special goodies as a reward. Lets get as many opinions as we can. Don’t hold back!
Chickens!
When we decided to write this story about Australian swimwear choices we approached no less that six well-known boardshorts manufacturers included one or two of the really big names and a number of smaller, boutique (but popular) surf brands. Out of the six we received one response who initially agreed to be involved in the “test”. That one respondent later pulled out… no reason given. We only had to approach one cossie brand. An email to international swimwear brand Aussie Bums was responded to within hours and 100% cooperation including donation of free swimwear for the “tests” was promised. That is why young Andy and old Socrates are wearing Aussie Bums swimwear. The board shorts shown in the images came from the model’s own wardrobes. Don’t know why the boardy companies didn’t want to get involved.
Note: At risk of stating the bleedingly obvious, the boardies in each test are the picture on the left… which means that the picture on the right is the cossies. Derr!
Test 1. – Doing a few kilometers
This is the swim test. When it comes to knocking a few kilometer over whether in the pool or in the ocean, which swimwear choice works best? Is either more comfortable, efficient or practical… and will either assist in scaring the sharks away? Most importantly, which is most likely to attract wanted attention?
Handsome young dude
Verdict
| Comfort | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Performance | Boardies ♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥♥ |
| Style | Boardies ♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥♥ |
The crusty old bugger
Verdict
| Comfort | Boardies ♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Performance | Boardies ♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥♥ |
| Style | Boardies ♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥ |
Outcome
Its a no brainer! Only a complete goose would swim for exercise in a pair of board shorts. Baggy, saggy and uncomfortable, wearing a pair of boardies actually takes what meagre pleasure there is in swimming vast distances completely out of the picture. Andy wasn’t bothered with the boardies from the style point of view but old Socs thought that no matter how groovy a pair of boardies you had… even if they were designed by Slater himself… you cannot possibly look good in something that is so impractical and stupid. So… Test 1. is thumbs up for the cossies.
Test 2. – Surfing – making a stylish exit
You’ve had a paddle and caught a wave or two and now you have to make the journey back to the car. The fun may be over but now its time to pose. It’s important to look and feel your best when re-entering the everyday world. Which garment does the job best? Which makes you feel good and is most likely to turn a few heads?
Handsome young dude
Verdict
| Comfort | Boardies ♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Performance | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥ |
| Style | Boardies ♥♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥ |
The crusty old bugger
Verdict
| Comfort | Boardies ♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Performance | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥ |
| Style | Boardies ♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥ |
Outcome
Here Andy actually got quite grumpy and asked how it was possible to score performance in relation to exiting the water with a surfboard. “Neither the boardies nor the sluggos fell down to my knees showing off my bollocks”, he said “so I have to give both a pass, I suppose.” Andy ranked the boardies and cossies as equal in the test of making the difficult journey back to the car. Socs, however, thought that his little boy leg cossies had the style and comfort edge pushing the boardies back into second place again. Despite his confidence there is no evidence, whatsoever, that Socrates was mobbed by female fans when he trudged up the beach.
Test 3. – Surfing in action
Board shorts may be ubiquitous these days but they were actually invented for the act of surfing. Initially, anyway, they were considered to have some functional purpose. Do they stack up for the job that they were intended or does the cossie work just as well?
Handsome young dude
Verdict
| Comfort | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Performance | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Style | Boardies ♥♥♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥ |
The crusty old bugger
Verdict
| Comfort | Boardies ♥♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥ |
| Performance | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥ |
| Style | Boardies ♥♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥ |
Outcome
No surprises here. Boardies are designed for surfing so this is where one would expect them to come into their own. Andy came out all guns blazing in this “test” by awarding his boardies no less than five hearts for style. When it comes to paddling around in the surf and catching waves Socrates’ normal bitching about “restrictive, uncomfortable, unnatural” just doesn’t seem to apply. Socrates, while praising the performance and comfort of his boardies for the task of surfing, expressed surprise at how little the supposedly less practical pair of cossies were as regards to performance and ranked the cossies and boardies equal in this regard. Andy went even further. Despite his overall ranking boardies the winner in this test, he was surprised too by how well the cossies performed and gave them an extra heart over the boardies. For comfort and style Socs went with Andy and ranked boardies a narrow winner. Overall… boardies take the stuffed toy.
Test 4. – Just hanging… and making the chicks (or blokes) swoon
Surely the “swoon” test is the test to beat all tests. Which swimwear style is most likely to have the most profound impact on potential partners? Forget surfing performance. When it comes down to it you can pull off a vertical re-entry or floater in your birthday suit so the most important measure must be which outfit is more likely to enable the surfer to pull. Does one or the other make the people on the beach go weak at the knees? If you want to make observers puff and pant over your pecs which is the style you should go for?
Handsome young dude
Verdict
| Comfort | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥♥ |
| Performance | Boardies ♥♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Style | Boardies ♥♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥♥ |
The crusty old bugger
Verdict
| Comfort | Boardies ♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Performance | Boardies ♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Style | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥♥ |
Outcome
In the “pervability” category it ended up a no contest. The cossies gave the boardies a good, old-fashioned, thrashing. Andy, who had not worn a pair of old style swimmers since he was knee high to a grasshopper tried out his brand new pair of Aussie Bums at an inland swimming hole and waterfall with a massive five meter jumping cliff. He was a bit shy wearing swimmers that showed more of him than he had shown off publicly in years but as crowds started to mill around at the base of the jump to watch him go off the edge he started to realize that they were not just watching his stylish dives. Something else was going on. It didn’t take Andy long to figure out that he was turning heads… and the cossies were helping. Andy fell in love with the style and show potential of his new swimmers pretty much straight away and declared lots of hearts for them as a result.
Socrates, on the other hand, was sporting a very handsome pair of white Aussie Bums old-style swimmers when he emerged from the water at Wategos Beach. When he realized that every inch of his less than impressive credentials were on view to the public he was glad that so few were present and that our photographer was a distance away. Socrates even suggested that his sluggos were so see-through that people on the beach would have had eye-witness proof that he was the natural red-head he claimed to be! Despite his reservations about his exhibitionist togs he still ranked the traditional cossies the perving superior of the boardies.
Not that their opinion is worth much (blokes are rarely highly skilled at estimating how hot they look) but both boys came down whole-heartedly in support of the cossies in test 4. by declaring lots and lots of hearts for them. Both thought that when it comes to straight out pec-flexing, flesh-flaunting, muscle-rippling and posing for potential pervers then the cossies won the day.
Final Verdict
After tallying all of the hearts and averaging them out these are the final results that we came up with (rounded to the nearest heart).
| Comfort | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Performance | Boardies ♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
| Style | Boardies ♥♥♥ | Cossies ♥♥♥♥ |
Final Outcome
So, despite the “handsome young dude” being a confirmed boardshort only wearer and the “crusty old bugger” loving both regular cossies and boardies the voting ended up pretty clear-cut. Cossies ended up winner in each category. However, despite our scoring and confidence in our processes we don’t think that the result is definitive… yet!
The thing is… Andy would look good in a hessian sack… while poor ol’ Socrates would struggle to look good in a $10,000 Versace bathing suit masterpiece. It hardly seems to right to leave the final decision as to which version of Australian swimwear is best overall to our models. Over to you folks. You have seen the scores from the road test. Do you agree? How would you vote? Are boardies God’s gift to men and a blessing to the women and men who would like to perve upon them. Are the much reviled traditional swimming costumes horrid… or just as worthwhile as boardies? Perhaps neither is perfect but both have their strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps a smart man should have a few pairs of boardies and a few pairs of cossies in his wardrobe for a range of different purposes. Over to you lot. What do you think? Declare a vote… and state an opinion. Prizes for the funniest, cleverest, most original, silliest, most intelligent or most weird contributions. Andy has stated that his phone number is definitely not one of the prizes… but Socrates’ arm could be twisted. Make him an offer!
(Many thanks to the amazing Victoria from Reindeer Riot for assistance with layout)
Hahha coosies 100 %!!! Looks slimmer , more proportional , not like hobbit legs ! And the bright orange also stands out in case you get lost in the ocean!
Hobbit-legs, Paola? That is hilarious. I saw some blokes down the beach swimming today in their boardies and they looked hilarious. Big-muscled alpha males with barrel chests and with teeny little legs peeking out below their baggies. Thanks for a brilliant observation.
So Miss Paola… it seems you have won a prize in our cossie comments competition. Email me your address (at timothy@sportsocratic.com) so I can send out your prize. In the meantime, if you want to see a preview of what you have won check out next weeks new edition. Love Socrates
One could never have foreseen the Great Socrates as one to preen in Tangerine. Yet there he is the libertine, sensational in Tangerine. In White….well let’s just say there is nothing virginal about that colour anymore. Long live the smugglers and all who surf in them.
Thanks for your thoughts Georgina. I have always been a preener. Shoulda seen me a couple of thousand years ago in my toga. Talk about see through when wet.
Fashion is cyclical. At the moment boardies and butt crack are in style. Wedgies and budgies will just have to wait their turn. My problem is that currently out in the wild I only see them in two varieties of shall we say the older fella: the bloke who desperately sucks his gut in as the girls go by a la Abbott, or the dude who’s magnificent gut obscures the wearing of the actual budgie smuggler. The fact is cossies need better press. Indeed your article wove quite a persuasive argument for! Well done ?
Thanks Hari. Your points are spot on. I do kinda think that a kind of macho Australian puritanism has overpowered the fashion cycle phenomenon. I was horrified when my daughter and son explained that the reason why people don’t wear cossies is because you can see the outline of the dick. Thirty years ago we didn’t give a stuff about dick outlines. Why should the modern male and his doting girl or boyfriend care about something so piddling?
Fair Dinkum Socs! I was just about blinded by the fluoro orange cossie! I could hardly read the rest of your comments.
BUT… you do really cut a fetching figure in and out of the surf. If you saw my current corpulent state on the beach, you’d be diving for cover to escape the scattering hoards!
Anyway, I’m going with cossies (especially those boy-leg numbers – they look great!
Another vote for the sluggos. Looks like boardies are falling behind. Come on boardy lovers. Better vote soon.
Well in case I wasn’t clear enough, fetching as you are in fluoro, it’s boardies all the way for me!
It seems miss Haristotle… that my trusty contest judge has adjudged you a winner so looks like I have to send a prize your way. Send me an address ma’am (timothy@sportsocratic.com) so I can send it out. If you want prize preview check out the new edition next week. Love Socrates
We could always shave our inner thighs and wear bikini bottoms!!! Boardies rule. Never seen Mick in sluggos…
Bruce… you beauty. At last another vote for boardies. Though I have to say that while I would excitedly consult with Mick on my cutback and reo needs (tips/advice that is) I don’t think he is the one I will be choosing for fashion advice.
Thinking back to growing up in the 90s, everyone started wearing baggy clothes in general and speedos just never recovered from that. You’ve almost got me convinced to try out some sluggos but for now my gangster camo boardies still got me
That thing about baggies is pretty right Kirin though its been going on even earlier than the nineties. There is a relationship between the cross fertilization of ideas and cultures with street style (NY, LA, Sydney etc), skating, snow-boarding and surfing that is all about baggy clothes. That certainly influenced the disappearance of speedo-style cossies from youth culture. That being said, don’t you think that little cultural thing has had its day. Men cling onto their cultural and fashion adoptions way too long. Maybe its a nostalgic thing. Its like getting dropped from some national sports teams team. Once you’re in… you are in. You have to be really really bad before they boot you out.
Yeah totally agree, I reckon ideals of manliness play a huge part in dictating these fashion norms. Spose either these ideals have gotta be deconstructed OR sluggos gotta find a way to be perceived as alpha male in order to be more normalised.
An interesting issue that has not been touched on at all yet but is worth raising is that in the seventies, as the angst between “authoritarian” surf life savers and “anti-authority” surfers reached new levels it is pretty likely that surfers saw the speedo as the uniform of the SLS clubs and a symbol of the conservatism they opposed. For this reason alone seventies surfers would have rejected their past associations with speedos and often sworn off them for life. So… to some degree, choice of swimwear may still reflect a wish to associate with orthodoxy or unorthodoxy though, I would argue, despite the surfing world considering itself anti-establishment I would argue that they have become the orthodox choice. It becomes even more complex now that non-surfers have chosen to associate with the surf movement (over the last twenty years) and characterize themselves as edgy and cool by wearing the surfer’s uniform. It is also an interesting complication of the argument when clearly orthodox and authoritarian characters like Tony Abbott proudly display the speedo yet claim to be surfers. On the other hand there are many serious, high prestige, real surfers who have now drifted back to the surf life saving clubs and presumably are also happy to wear the sluggo again.
As a young teen in Cronulla in the 70’s, I watched all the surfers wear their board shorts over their speedos.
The wearing of boardies by these “puberty blues@ originals was most definitely to separate themselves from the reviled Clubbies.
However in that era boardies were only worn by surfers. The few women who surfed at Cronulla still wore bikinis.
They didn’t wear them as a piece of clothing as is the fashion now. They were an item of both sports clothing and almost a badge of honour that signified “I am a surfer, look at my board lumps and my boardies.’
So it has come to this. Lets go through the list:
1. Doin the Special K’s – if running, the boardies put argh into rash, while the smugglers give support where needed for the roughest off track expedition
2.Surfing-Exit stage left, No your left….anyway, the boardies and the smugglers are only going to get a rating if the body that adorns them is stylish, especially if the budgie has swapped cages in winter – so a dead heat….unless, how do I put this….Sex appeal is fifty per cent what you’ve got and fifty per cent what people think you’ve got,,.so Budgie Beast Escapes versus The Long and the Ordinary is a mismatch. But again you have to have the Ripplin Raptor to make it a clear win for smugglers.
3.Surfing in Acting – Off the bat, why is it that smugglers under boardies work so well? Because they keep the sand and sea lice at bay and there is a place for everything and everything is in its place. Without smugglers their is a propensity to get border incursions and often what had been a tight team start to go in different directions. So another dead heat as Boardies rely on smugglers like politicians rely on fear and entitlements.
4.Just Hanging – Oh lordy be! According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars. So how much hanging and its implied purpose depends on shape, size and colour (but definitely not orange as that colour has been Trumped for the interim; sunburst is best for guitars and fluro orange is best left to the dance music pingers).
So the Final Verdict…pass me the envelope Mr Burns. For the Function versus Form debate we are reminded of the verse on the Wamberal Club wall:
See the surfers in the swell,
Ugly creatures chiefly;
Someone must have loved them once –
in the dark and briefly
The clue is in the last word, for both Form and Function are best met with brief briefs – the Budgie by a beak…and what a small beak it is….
I loved reading up on this unique Aussie beachwear culture..
I’ve never seen the current Mr S in a little pair of swimmers but you absolutely ROCK those orange mothers Mr E!! I’m almost tempted to check out the AUSSIEBUM website to purchase a pair for the ‘ol fellas next birthday gift… the trouble is I know for a fact that there is not a cat in hells chance of him even trying them on let alone hitting South Maroubra beach in them… shame… my vote goes to those cracking little orange ones but I don’t think any males in our household will be agreeing with me 🙂
I would check out the aussieBum web site, Sue. There are a range of styles and not all are as daring as others. I strongly recommend against the white little ones if your boys are feeling shy!
Boardies !!!!
Although, i have noticed a few good looking speedos around
You are both smiling heaps more in the photos with speedos, smiles always help sell a product so I don’t know where I stand on the issue anymore haha
Your vote goes down for boardies, Michelle. It’s recorded! But good to see you are developing an open mind on the subject. In truth, I love em both. Nothing better than a groovy pair of boardies in the surf, in my book, but, for goodness sakes, how silly do blokes look swimming laps at the Olympic pool in knee length baggies! Seriously!
Not daggy if they look more like sleek body hugging bike shorts, tapered for speed…and the exact opposite of Frodo having a pool frolic in Hobbit pantalooms
Well Willco… it seems to me that my trusty contest judge has awarded you a prize in our cossie wars comp. Better send me an address to send your prize to before I change my mind! Check out the new edition next week if you want a preview of your prize. Lover Soccers
In the end you have to wear what’s comfortable for you. Not what’s comfortable for others to watch… otherwise there would be a lot of us (both genders) wearing burkas.
Geez, David. Its not all about comfort you know!!!! Its all about style. And there is nothing even remotely stylish… or comfortable… about swimming laps at an Olympic pool in baggies. That being said, in their place, boardies can be as stylish and comfy as hell.
Board shorts for me Tim.
I need pockets for my wax, ear plugs and keys.
And I’ve never looked good in lycra
Leesy? You would look good in a hessian sack, my son! Still your vote is in and boardies are definitely closing the gap!
What do your mates Nick and Reggie think?
No contest. always boardies if you’re practical about surfing. Why? simple it’s summer you need block-out on the back of your legs. Your wear sluggo’s you end up with either burnt hamstrings, or block-out all over your wax. Unless you’re trying to do the ultimate gumby routine, boardies are a no brainer.
I think you might have pushed boardies across the line, Ben! To be quite honest I don’t think there ever was any argument about boardies and surfing. Boardies will win every time. But boardies and exercise? Boardies and lap swimming? Boardies and ocean swimming? Boardies and showing off to whoever you want to show off to… well that might be another matter! Thanks for the comment, mate!
In the only true Aussie way to say it:
“Give the bloody brilliant budgee smugglers ago”
It’s only ‘fair dinkum’ that we return to our historical roots.
Unleash the true potential of sluggos and show the world what our men are made of.
Our convict history exemiplifies the true blue nature of ‘giving it a go’.
The Aussie battler ready to bare his bones so that “she’ll be right”.
So whilst its easy to jump on
“the boardy bandwagon”
I believe our true strength lies within our courage “to show it how it is”.
Hair no hair
Bulge no buldge
Tanned or fair
Red or white
Black or brown
Ripped or relaxed
………….
Getting “down to earth” flashing “a little bit of this & a little bit of that” is inherently our “give it go mate” culture.
Class and cheek. Literally.
Let’s not let the “tall poppy” cause “flack” and put these cozzies on with courage!
To my brothers
Father
Sons
Lovers
♡
The True Blues
Elisha –
Thanks, Elisha… nice. Speaking out for your bros and fos to not be afraid! A classy contribution from you nad much appreciated!
Hi Elisha… looks like you have won a prize in our cossie wars competition. Thanks for your comments. Email me some address details and I will send a little parcel off to you. In the meantime you will be able to get a little preview of your prize if you checkout our new edition early next week Thanks and Regards Socrates
Timo so (c) rates the smuggle budgie sluggers – is that what they’re called? Based on your research and pictorial evidence, I now believe it’s a matter of Kid vs Confidence. And, you is King Confident in jeans, in Japan or in skin-tighty water whities. BUT, as the self-depreciating words don’t match the mature male model’s mojo, is the tiny cover up just that, a tiny cover up? Or a silent appeal in the words of UB40: “Here I am babe…come and take me….” Or is it a modest inclination to retreat to our natural born state? Cos who hasn’t been in the ocean and thought, “I could really do without this (article of clothing) right now…”
Wow, Rosey… deeply philosophical and very much touching on the spirit of the test! The story may seem flippant but there is a whole bunched up mix of male ego, shyness, confidence, fear and desire to just be ones self tied up in what swimwear you choose to wear. Thanks for the comments.!
Dear Rosie… this comment won you a prize in the cossie competition. Don’t blame me. Your contribution was selected by the marvellous Georgina Clutton! Send me some address info so I can send out your prize. Check out the new edition on Monday if you want a preview of what is coming your way. Thanks for your comment Socrates