Here are ten incredibly stupid things you will hear over and over at the soccer match this week end. Just head down to your local park and this collection will come up time and time again. With this guide you should have at least a pretty good guide of what is being communicated.
1. “Unlucky”… is usually heard when the star player fucks up… again. You will hear the “unlucky” cry dozens of times in any match. Coaches try to avoid openly abusing players when they make really dumb mistakes so “unlucky” is the universal call when someone completely blows it.
2. “Shoulda done better”. Soccer scores really should be 25 – 14 or 17 – 13… or 12 – 9… but they never are. Player ineptitude generally ensures that final scores are 1 – 0 or 0 -0. Hence the expert commentators on the sidelines are constantly saying the “shoulda-done-better”. It’s a slightly more honest version of “unlucky”.
3. “Early!” – Often yelled at the wing man who is attempting to dazzle his opponent defender with a one-on-one move just before he makes the late cross to his striker who is now surrounded by defenders. Often followed with “unlucky”.
4. “Man on” – I have no idea what this means and I don’t want to know.
5. “When in doubt, kick it out”. – A common saying by coaches who don’t teach defensive skills… and counter-intuitively still think it’s a good idea to give the ball back to the opposition in an attacking position by foolishly instructing their defenders to kick the ball out of play.
6. “It’s a funny old game”. – It’s a fucking stupid game where the better team hardly ever wins. You often here this comment from side-line commentators who are looking for an explanation to an outcome that is simply unexplainable.
7. “Mark up” – Why not make down? Or mark in? Or mark out? Or mark over? If the coach is telling his or her players to mark someone why don’t they just say “mark”. Or does that make to much sense.
8. “Ref! How long?” – I am rooted.
9. “Away” – The mid-fielder farted.
10. “One-two” – This actually means pass and get the ball back but I have no idea why. In some sports its called a “give-and-go” play which actually makes some sense.
While we are on the subject of semantics, isn’t it cool that soccer players, fans, commentators, coaches and administrators think that they have exclusive rights to the word “football”. Of course the argument is, well in our game we actually kick the ball with our feet. Oh… my goodness. In countries were soccer is the only form of football played then calling soccer football seems totally reasonable. In some African, Asian, South American and European countries soccer is pretty much the only game in town so, fair enough. But in large parts of North America, Australia, the Pacific region and in some parts of Africa, Europe, South America and Asia other sports have had claims on the name “football” for hundreds of years. Should they be ordered to remove the world “football” from their rule books and registered names as well as be ordered to completely re-educate all their fans? I think not. Rugby, Rugby League, Australian Rules, American Football, Canadian Football and Gaelic Football have as much right to the name as any sport and soccer administrators and commentators who insist on otherwise simply create confused communication.